What its like to…… lose a child to alcohol

Piece of my Heart

My husband and I were on our way home after taking my Dad out to his Birthday breakfast. We went to the mall for a few things, pulled into a fast food restaurant drive-thru and my phone rang. I was in the drivers seat and pulling up to the window to get our food while answering the phone. It was my granddaughter and she is crying and screaming “Mom is dead!”. My world fell apart. All I can remember is screaming, crying, and saying “it must not be true!”.

I don’t remember how I did it but I made it out of the drive thru and parked in the nearest parking spot. My husband had me move into the passenger seat. While we sat parked in the parking lot the coroner calls me asking me questions about my daughter, it was all such a fog. I remember asking the coroner “is it really true? Is my daughter dead?” She replied “yes”. I started throwing up and handed the phone to my husband.

During this time I had talked to my oldest sister a few times. She and her son (my nephew) were able to go with two of my granddaughters to the hotel where my daughter had passed away. They all were able to be there as the coroner took my daughter away and they cleaned out her room. My third granddaughter was in Ohio when she received the news about her mother. I hated that she didn’t have one of us there holding her when she was told. I immediately bought her a plane ticket for the next day to fly home.

My world, my granddaughters worlds, my other childrens worlds, my daughters aunts, uncles, relatives and friends worlds all went into a daze of non-belief.

My daughter had a demon on her shoulder and its name was vodka/alcohol. It was evil and caused her to lose her home, job, self-worth, family, and friends. She tried to pray it out, rehab, but it was so much stronger than her. She couldn’t escape it, she tried but it always grabbed her by the shoulders and throat and made her its victim. It took her life bit by bit and her body piece by piece. In the end….it took her last breath.

She became an alcoholic after she had gotten the Gastric Bypass Surgery to help her lose weight. After the surgery the alcohol became another dependency for her, first food then alcohol. There is a warning before you get the surgery that this could happen. It did, I hate this surgery!

During this alcoholic time of my daughters life she had told me many times she hated her life and wanted to die. I know if she didn’t have the alcohol in her that those feelings wouldn’t have ever been there! There were a few times we were able to get her clean and sober and she was so happy! She tried so hard to move ahead in her life but the demon(vodka) was always a step away to entice her.

So for those of us left behind grieving, how do you move on when your heart is broken?

As her Mother, I remember the little girl that giggled, played and she thought I was the best person in the whole world. When she grew up and the Vodka stepped in it started damaging our relationship and memories. I LOVED my daughter but hated the alcohol. I hated what it did to her, how it hurt her and us! It is so difficult to go on with your life and to not cry all of the time like I want to. The tears are always right behind my eyes and ready to flow. It is such a large loss of missing her and the hope for what a wonderful life that she could have had. I hate that she never got the chance to have a real happiness with a man that truly loved her and her love for him. There is so much pain that even my dreams are heavy and involved.

The other day I was checking my phone and cleaning out old voice mails and there is one “Hi Mom….” Ugh the tears start to flow….”I Love you” she says. I saved it!

All day long these thoughts just keeps smacking you on the side of the head.

• She is not here!
• She is gone!
• I cant call her!
• I cant text her!
• I cant see her!
• I cant hug her!
• I cant laugh with her!
• I cant have a conversation with her!
• I MISS her!

How do you act like nothing is wrong when you feel like just sleeping and crying? Some people say “occupy your mind with music, work or don’t think about it “How can you not? Its part of you, she was part of me. She had problems and that hurt too, its heartbreaking.

So to answer that question-

I’m trying to keep it together all day, so everyone will think I’m ok but I’m really not! I’m breaking inside and it hurts so much. I don’t have the answers to the question as day to day I just simply try to get by at this time.

We all prayed for so much more for her life, she had SO MUCH to give! At her memorial you could see all the lives she had touched the room was packed with the ones she loved and that loved her. She had many that referred to her as “Mom” and others that loved her dearly.

We lost her to Alcohol for so many years, then….we lost her forever.

Patti